See, I’m burned out from guiding, and I don’t know what’s next. Yes, I’m grateful for those who have employed and respected me. Yes, I’m grateful for the fact that I have guiding as an option come fall. That means a great deal.
And, frankly, I wish I weren’t burned out. Guiding, at times, has been like teaching without administrators looking over your shoulders. It’s a chance to teach unique things. It’s a chance to make impressions in people’s minds that they’ll remember.
But repeating the same things over and over again has gotten to me. I feel like an actor who must wear a happy face. The joy’s gone. The thrill of establishing myself in Arizona doing something unique compared to what I was doing in Texas is gone. It’s just a job. It’s just a means to put money in my pocket.
Maybe that should be good enough. After all, I think all things, to some degree, become a grind. There’ll always be monotony in some form or fashion, and maybe I need to grow up and realize that notions of a better life are fairy tales. Maybe dreams are best ignored so peace in your lot can be found.
That sounds depressing though, no?
A big problem is that I don’t know where I want to be; I don’t know what I want to do; I don’t know what to strive for. Yes, I pray. Yes, I believe my prayers are heard. Yes, they can be answered. But the fact is I struggle, and I don’t know how to make peace with the current circumstances of the world. The simple fact is that the past two years have destroyed many hopes for a better future.
I’m still shocked that the bastards locked us down, forced masks on us, tried to force the shot on us, and millions upon millions gladly did what they were told without questioning for a second that maybe all these unprecedented expansions of government power into our private lives – into our very bodies – were part of a darker agenda. They believed the “science.” They thought Fauci was a good man. They believed whatever was told them, and my heart breaks for the fact that, once again, evil people manipulating the masses to their own enslavement will get off Scott-free. In this lifetime I fear there will be no justice; there will be no reckoning; and I am just supposed to be grateful that life has gotten back to a degree of normalcy?
I can’t just pretend the crimes of lockdowns and forced vaxxing didn’t happen. I don’t want to forgive these horrendous acts – and they were horrendous! However, that is exactly what the evil ones are hoping people do. They hope we’ll all be insouciant blobs who are grateful for the fact that we still have our jobs and aren’t living on the street, unlike many others whose lives have been destroyed the past several years. They hope that we won’t seek justice, because, without that fire in our hearts resisting them, they’ll grab more power over us, again, through another manufactured crises.
Of course there are millions who scoff at such notions as mere “conspiracy theory” and will blindly march on oblivious to the losses rendered to our lives through lies, deception, and murder. As the television version of reality becomes more ingrained in the minds of those who will not question the deeper motives behind events that drive massive changes to our psychologies and cultures, the greater the polarity there will be within mankind. I believe the vast majority will allow themselves to become literal Borg before they even slightly question whether the path that took humanity here was what was supposed to happen. They just won’t wake up. They refuse to see the terrible forces arrayed against them because, ultimately, they are afraid of the volatility of change.
And you know what? I’m afraid of this too. I’m afraid of doing so many things, like making mere videos which I feel called to do. And you know why? Because I know once I throw my face and voice out on the internet, there’s no going back. I know how unfiltered I can be. I know I’m capable of saying words that could cause doxxing or destruction of my reputation. I know the fallout from this could make me unemployable, and I don’t have the entrepreneurial knowledge to create my own streams of income independent of what Google searches turn up for “Charles Torello” – and I pray this changes.
Maybe you think I’m a worthless piece of human garbage for my conflict and confusion. Maybe you think the above words evince a mental illness. Maybe you think I’m a fool, or coward, or worse. So be it. Ultimately, I know there is coming a great burning away of so many vanities attached to life. There is coming excoriation, hatred, wrath, injustice, but also a freedom like I’ve never known before. I should probably just face it like a bull NOW.
And even though I’m afraid of this coming burn, I know I don’t want to live in the world that’s coming. I don’t want to live with digital currencies, or social credit scores, or chip implants, or air-quality-indices telling me when I can walk outside or drive or take a vacation, or a multitude of other mechanical regulations that, again, will take humanity closer to becoming Borg. Even if resistance is futile, I still want to resist, and die an honorable death if needs be.
In the interim, I’m traveling. Like Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves wanting to see the frontier before it’s gone, I want to see as much of America before it’s gone. I probably won’t see it all because traveling with a Yaris can be uncomfortable. It seems I must calculate my next stretch of highway to travel, and have a campsite lined up at the end of the day. A travel van (which I can afford) would allow me to drive in any direction as long as I wish, and not to worry about where the day will end. However, I don’t want to go through the aggravation of spending weeks to find a perfect one – though I may soon.
I realize that what I’m doing is a dream come true. I realize that many pine for such an opportunity. I’m not ungrateful for good things that come my way. I’m not ungrateful for endorphins felt while hiking up mountains yielding some of the most spellbinding scenery on earth. It’s just that fear of the future can attack, and take away the joy of the present, and confuse the hell out of me.
As I said, I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’d like to see America, and along the way express myself in ways that bring peace, and create income streams to where I can be self-reliant, but how in the hell do I do this???
And maybe all these questions are the result of not fully surrendering my heart to God. If so, I look forward to such a revelation. Regardless, Revelation is coming.
FEATURED IMAGE FROM: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Borg_dockingstation.jpg